Owen's album 'At Home', is what I've been all about lately. Summer's in full swing, and I'm laying by the James River on the daily, doing all the proper summer activities, and yet I still feel like something BIG is missing in my life. I can't put my finger on it really.  But I wish I knew, so I could feel whole once and for all. Its most likely due to the fact that I haven't accomplished anything over the past few weeks, or that my Grandmother has a terrible infection in her lungs, or even that I can't stop dwelling on old times.

My summer Statistics course starts on Monday, I'm not ready.
My patience for weak characters is wearing extremely thin.



What ever/Who ever it is thats missing, hurry quick.
I need you.

I'd like to feel any sense of belonging, to anything. That feeling has been so fargone for so long, I don't even remember it anymore.
Also, I need a job. So so so badly.

MY LAZY DAYS:
1) Napping with Millie, hearing Grandma's talk radio blaring from the kitchen upstairs where she's cooking something amazing.
2) Climbing rocks and posting up along the James River.

Livejournal, forgive me. I strayed for almost a year, lost and utterly alone on other free blogging sites. Sticking with the original is the only way to go. I should have known. Besides Tanya (who encouraged me to pick back up), I don't know that any of my friends use this outlet anymore.

I just realized its May 1st. It may be silly to feel an extra ounce of hope about the dawning of a new month, but I do. Like the way people bug out for a new year, the start of a new month helps me to keep looking forward. Since my last few entries, EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. But I laugh looking back, because the things that stressed me out then, more or less, are still stressing me out today.  I guess I'll never learn.

I think I figured out what is, quite possibly, one of the more disappointing things in life:
Sharing something special with someone, whether it be a spot, a poem, a favorite food or drink, a photograph, a smell, a sweater, a song...and wanting them to feel as supremely good about it as you do, only to find that they don't. Maybe that only makes sense to me. But I've grown tired of exposing extremely special parts of who I am, just to get apathy in return.

So, I have enough prospective tattoo ideas to last me until the end of time. Ones I'm sure of, and that will be done in due time:

1) Crane Wife Half Sleeve (Getting it drawn up by next weekend!)
2) Fixing My Elephants
2) Homeward Bound Banners on My Feet
    One Foot- A Maneki Neko
    The Other- A Clover Leaf
    (Obviously each good luck symbols, representing my two heritages, Japanese and Irish.)

3) Gypsy Head. I have no reason, I just think they're beautiful.
4) Modernized Claddagh on my chest. Stands for loyalty, love, and friendship.


I WISH I HAD THE MONEY FOR IT ALL.

Its been almost a month since I have posted, which just so happens to mark an anniversary of a new friendship, my own little version of a 'Southern Comfort' and about the same amount of time that Nick's been away to Purdue. I've gained a new (actually healthy perspective) on what it means to have somebody to lean on. I turned 20 a few days ago. I celebrated with old and new friends, circle pow-wow style the night before, and then a really great dinner at Nara on the actual day of. It was refreshing to say in the least. Rocked my brain a little too hard though.

I've been keeping busy. Suffocatingly busy. If its not work or class, its catching up in between time, 7:21 am, coffee breaks, dogs, movie nights, a packed bowl, a bottle of liquor, red velvet cake (any dessert for that matter), new restaurants, text messages, seeing people for who they really are, laundromats, hand-written letters, exploring my newfound city, getting ahead as a journalism major, trying to be/stay 'happy'...its a constant struggle, breathing, and sleeping whenever I can manage.

By Day:


By Night:

No pictures, no poetry, no heated debatable, awe-inspiring issues at hand with this entry. This is just going to be a piece thanking and reminding those people who are working hard towards their goal that I respect them more than anything. No matter how pain-staking, expensive, uncomfortable, unfamiliar their goal may be, they're working towards it head held high, no visible reservations, doing what need to be done to get there. Thats bravery in its truest form, isn't it?

I started my second semester at VCU this week with an entirely new perspective. I struggled a lot last semester due to a lack of self-motivation and drive. Don't allow yourself to go there. Have faith that you're doing the right thing, and work your ass off to make sure that holds true! I cannot wait to kill it, to rectify the way I fell off just a couple months ago. I am walking back and forth to my apartment a few times a day, listening to my favorite music, bundled up in sweater, scarf, gloves, and hat...ready to conquer and take from what ever is ahead of me. I used to walk with my eyes on my feet and for some reason, now its easier to hold my head up high. This results in the occasion tripping, thanks to downtown Richmond's less-than-perfect brick sideways.


I guess that is the best form of living testimony I could give you.

So, I admire you if you're taking a stab at the same sort of thing. Exploring, sticking your neck out there, risking everything, enjoying solitude, working hard to accomplish and develop into something great. And if you're not quite there yet, get there! There is nothing to lose ultimately. The road is forever bumpy, there is no way to avoid that... at least try to take the steps that will equip you with the skills to smooth it out in the end.


PS.

My car's fucked. I got into an accident literally two days after getting it back from the body shop and having the paint removed. I was driving down Monument early in the morning which is entirely cobblestone, it had been raining the night before so the roads were wet. I was going around a roundabout, and my car completely spun out, did a 180, and drifted (hard apparently) into a curb. I'm lucky it wasn't into another car. I found out there was absolutely no tread left on my back tires...blah. I've bent my hub, punctured my back tire, bent the axle, destroyed a rim. All in all, with parts and labor, it's going to be close to $2000 in repairs. Fuckin' A. I'm ready for January to be over because its obviously not my month. I was really upset. Really really upset. But Cest La Vie! I'll live. Poorly for the next few months, but what else is new.

Your feelings have run their course and may seem like they've returned to the cosmic recycling bin. Still, you are not yet ready to transition into what's next. Instead of planting a new crop of ideas in the garden of your imagination, think about the importance of the compost pile where today's garbage magically transforms into tomorrow's healthy soil. Be patient and allow the process to evolve at its own pace.


Lately, I have been fairly depressed over the fact that I feel I am letting my potential success just slip through my fingers through lack of effort. Allowed myself to believe I'm losing it, or even worse...never had it. Its too funny how these horoscopes work. Even if they are generalized, often times, for me anyways, the generalized advice is shockingly  applicable.  Do you  find yourself as equally surprised at times when reading  a daily horoscope for your sign? Its a very curious thing.


My second semester at VCU starts next Monday. I anticipate it because I know full-well what to expect and I'm ready to crush it. I need to redeem myself based on last semester's disappointment, but its been a learning process so without those trials and tribulations, I wouldn't be where I am at now. Its conquering time. Also, let us all remember the heat wave of today here in Richmond, Virginia. After work, I got to cruise with all of my windows down, my stereo blasting, and the moon roof fully taken aback. Not to mention the 3 hour nap I took once I got home, with warm breeze and faint sunshine entering through my window.

Eddie texted me with a photo of his brand new 5 hour sitting Crane Wife piece. Its gorgeous.I can only hope mine will come out half as wonderful, when the time comes. Also, at work today,  I had to say goodbye to my favorite puppy. His name is Sebastian, and he's "graduated' to our bigger dogs facility. We bathed him today, and since he is a golden retriever, I thought he looked so ridiculous wet.

So visuals, feel my extreme jealousy of Eddie's Crane & Sebastian, sopping wet and miserable: